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Monday, January 21st, 2008

Time:11:21 pm.
So, it's been a while since I made an update here. Partly due to the fact that I am lazy, partly because very few people read it, and partly because I didn't feel that I had anything constructive to say.

Mostly parts 1 and 3.

Well, now I do feel that I have something constructive to say....at least as it pertains to me.

Since I graduated high school (which is really the last time I made freuqent updates here) I have changed quite a bit. Or at least I have changed in one key area: I am willing to admit that I need to make some changes. Some changes to the way that I adress my life, some changes in the way that I adress my family and friends, and some changes in regards to the fact that I have been, in part, a different person than what I have been portraying myself as.

I don't know how to explain myself other than this: I have no idea who I am. I am sure about very little regarding my life, and that is (somewhat) normal for people my age and even people older than me. The reason I freak out is twofold:

1. I am, by nature, a very anxious person. When I don't know the answer to things immediately I freak out and immediately think something is wrong.
2. I feel that some of the things I freak out about are things that I should not freak ou about because they should be things that I am sure about.

Make sense? It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either but I had to try to put it into words. I feel as if I live to please. I don't live according to what is good for me personally. Rather, I live so that I don't disappoint others and I take the safe route on everything. I am overly cautious and it accounts for a lot of the problems I feel that are haunting my existance.

My social anxiety, for one. I am plagued with this dreaded thing, which many people think they have (and many may be right) but it's more than just being anxious. It has inhibited my ability to make new friends and has hindered my efforts to get closer the friends that I have been lucky enough to make. I don't go to parties, I don't join clubs, I stay inside more than I should and I try almost nothing that I am not very familiar with. I have lost a lot of valuable life due to this thing, including those high school years and soon to be the rest of my college life because of it and it kills me. In one of God's cruelest jokes, in order to get help wih this I must talk about it to strangers. Thanks a bunch, asshole. I rarely speak up out of fear of ridicule. I can't do things I am passionate about because of this. I have already dropped two classes in college because it involved either a group project or community service, two things that are nothing to people who aren't terrified of being put in these situations. I could go on and on and probably write a long book on it, but I won't.

I also hate college, with every fiber of my being. I transfered to SSC in hopes that I would hate it less but I don't. I have no desire to learn what they want to teach me. I have no real motivation to do things that, in high school, I did without stopping twice to think if it was right. I have such a lack of passion and energy to put up with this education bullshit. I want to learn WHAT I WANT TO LEARN, and not what they think I should learn. I don't want to read your texts that are more dull than dirt and that I will just memorize and forget a month later. I want to do this on my own. And if doing it on my own means maybe being too lazy to do it at all, SO BE IT! FUCK IT! I am actually not lazy, but I am just more or less apathetic, and I don't know why it came upon me. I was never apathetic about school until college and it hasn't gotten much better. Iz don't dread school as much as I did at Emmanuel, but my urge to just say fuck it and drop out has never been higher. I don't drop out in large part because I know it's not acceptable and I don't want to be stuck in a mind-numbing job for the rest of my life. Also, I have no guts. I think part of it is my love of the 60s. I see these documentaries and hear about it via music or books, and it sounds great. Sure, it was a lot of bad stuff, but people managed to live, many of them without these fucking limits, and they turned out fine and with a lot of memories that they didn't get by sitting at home with their face stuffed in a sociology book reading about what some guy in 1850 thought about why sociology was important. I'm sorry, but I've grown to believe that I am not going to make a fucking difference to the educational world, or any part of this world except my ownm.

I don't even know what to say besides I'm sick of it all. I am sick of not being able to really be myself, in word or in action. I am sick of not being able to do what I want. I am sick of knowing that despite these thoughts, I know that what I am doing now will lead me to a better life. But by whose standards of a better life am I judging this on?
Fools in the Rain 5| Stairway to Heaven

Sunday, August 26th, 2007

Time:11:28 am.
I have a new blog!


That blog is gonna be used for politics/rants only. I will still psot here for updates on life, so still check here too....but that one will probably be updated more.
Stairway to Heaven

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

Time:9:55 pm.
I just had a great idea! I'm SO throwing a Christmas party around christmas time! I'll give everyone notice so they can take it off for workm and whatnot.
Stairway to Heaven

Sunday, July 29th, 2007

Time:1:29 am.
Yay! I'm on my laptop!!!!!
Fools in the Rain 2| Stairway to Heaven

Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

Time:9:38 pm.
WOW! It's been a while. Not much has happened recently. I've been mostly either working or reading harry potter for the last week and a half.

I sae Deanna today! That was awesome. And I'm hanging out with Sara and possibly Em tomorrow, which is awesome too. And Saturday is Sara's birthday stuff. =]

I'm going to six flags Monday the 13th with Danielle, Melanie and Mike.

Danielle is leaving in a month =\\\ That is NOT awesome.

Anyway, I miss my friends. I wanted to hang out with Cassie, Tim, Jose, and Jess within the next week, but that won't happen since people are going away. Hopefully I'll be able to hang out with SOME of them anyway.

I am already missing SMH. The closer I get to college the more and more I dread it. Not many people hate the thought of going to college, but I do. I just want it to be 2014, when I'll be 25 and definately done with college. I am tired of school and everything that goes with it. Everyone else is so excited, but I am this close to just fucking it. Well, not fucking college, but saying fuck it to college. I still feel like I'll be going back to SMH in the fall, but I'm not. I WISH I was, believe me, but I'm gonna have to deal with that. I'm so jealous of Deanna. At Suffolk you can sign up for one hour of on air time for radio a week, and I'd LOVE to do that. Not talk about anything in particular...just talk. I would kill. I have passion for that.

I hate Emmanuel. Emmanuel is so much like SMH, which is only great if you have friends. If you're at a school like that and don't have friends, it's torture. I'm so bad at making friends, I probably won't make many, if any, there, so it sucks.

I love politics, don't get me wrong, but I just don't know if I want to do it the rest of my life. You know who I would LOVE to be? Bill Maher. He loves politics, but he gets to practice them through stand up and a TV show based around politics and humor. That is what I want. I want a TV show or a radio show where I get to talk about politics and just laugh. Comedy is what's always gotten me through all the stupid shit day in and day out, and I really think that I would love to do something with comedy with my life. Not BE a commedian, I'm not that funny, but maybe touch on it? Like Bill Maher.....even though he is a comedian, I don't really look at him like that.

I dunno. I just want to be happy. As stupid and, I guess, emo as that sounds, it's true. I'm not happy right now, and I'm trying to find what does make me happy. And you know what makes me happy? Friends/family, laughter and no worries. Now, that SEEMS simple, but my life is comprised of worries, I don't get to see friends as often as I'd like and it's pretty much laughter that keeps me going.
Fools in the Rain 1| Stairway to Heaven

Monday, July 16th, 2007

Time:2:43 pm.
Hey everyone. I've been bad with hanging out with you all, so sorry about that. I had a busy few weeks, and between work and tiredness, I'm kind of burnt out and I've just been lazy.

Actually, right now I've renewed my love affair with Harry Potter. Actuqally, I never stopped liking it, but after the 6th book was spoiled for me, I never read it. I'm re-reading th 5th one because I forgot what happened, then I'm reading the 6th one and I'm pre-ordering the 7th one and getting 2 day shipping so I can lock myself in my house (except for work) and try and read it before anyone spoiles it like a little bitch.

And if any of my friends spoil it, I swear to god I will scratch your eyes out.

On that note, I have to go to work. I'll see you kids soon. Keep bugging me about plans, because I do miss all of you crazy kids.
Stairway to Heaven

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007

Time:4:23 pm.
I got my permit (again) today! And I finally registered to vote, and I am officially a Democrat. Woot!
Stairway to Heaven

Sunday, July 8th, 2007

Time:10:48 pm.
So, it's July. Blah.

Actually, summer has been pretty good. I haven't hung out with some of the people I'd really like to see. I need to see all of you guys more. I'm hoping to hang out with Cassie Wednesday. I'm getting my permit (again) Tuesday and maybe hanging out with Sara after that.

Oh yeah, and one of my former friends hates me now, for no apparent reason other than his being an ass. Not sure what happened there, but whatever.

Well, I'm gonna go now. Anyway, I'll maybe make a post within the next year. =]]]]
Fools in the Rain 3| Stairway to Heaven

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

Time:8:03 am.
Okay, so I have my schedule for first semester! Here it is.

Mondays: Freshman seminar (Raising Hell: Activism 1955-1975) 1:25-2:40
Biology: Life on Earth 2:50-4:05

Tuesdays: Political Science: Intro to International Relations 8:00-9:15
Technology 9:25-10:40
Academic Advising 1:00-1:30 (ONLY THROUGH OCTOBER 11th)

Wednesdays: Freshman seminar (Raising Hell: Activism 1955-1975) 1:25-2:40
Biology: Life on Earth 2:50-4:05

Thursdays: Political Science: Intro to International Relations 8:00-9:15
Technology 9:25-10:40
Academic Advising 1:00-1:30 (ONLY THROUGH OCTOBER 11th)
Biology lab 1:40-3:40

Fridays: OFF!

So, overall I'm pretty happy. I'll still be able to work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and when my academic advising ends October 11th, I'll be home at 12:00 on Tuesdays so I can work those days too. And I'm loving the long weekends =D
Stairway to Heaven

Friday, June 22nd, 2007

Time:9:21 pm.
My new obsession of the moment: Sly and the Family Stone.

They're great. They're a blend of psychadelia and soul. They're probably the greatest funk band of all time. They're amazing. The bass is outstanding and everything just goes so well.

Probably only one of you would be interested, and that's Deanna, but who knows.

Anyway, that's about all I wanted to say. =]
Fools in the Rain 1| Stairway to Heaven

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

Time:2:28 pm.
Fucking pissed.

So, I ordered a Sly and the Family Stone CD, and I put two day shipping (which cost $5 extra) because they said it would be here today. I tracked it and it left UPS this morning at 4:00 AM, from Lynnfield, and I didn't get it. I WANTED it today so I could have it for tomorrow, and just because God wanted to make this week worse, it didn't come. Ever since Sunday, this week has been absolute shit.
Stairway to Heaven

Time:12:57 pm.

Woke up early this morning but ended up sleeping through a lot of the morning. I have to go to work in a little bit. Orientation tomorrow from 9:00 AM until 3:00 PM the following day. How much does THAT suck?

I'm not even living there, why do I have to stay over night?

Stairway to Heaven

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

Time:3:39 pm.
So, there's this test called the Implicit Association Test, which is basically a fancy way of saying the "are you racist" test. Anyway, it's really well known and it's done by these Harvard professors and it was on Oprah the other day so I watched it because I'm interested in this shit.

ANYWAY, I took it and it said:

"Your Result
Your data suggest little to no automatic preference between African American and European American."


I'm not racist!!!

Anyway, the URL is here if you're interested.

Stairway to Heaven

Time:11:20 am.
SO annoyed. I was supposed to hang out with Cassie, Jess, and god knows who else today...i never did find out who was supposed to hang out. But, I can't because I have no way of getting to The Willows, and even if I did I have to go shopping tonight. AHHH. I hate not hanging out with people.

I'm such a big ball of contradictions. I want to drive SO much. Well, I want a car. Once I have a car I'm going to see everyone so much. My problem now is I don't really like driving with people, and I only have like two friends who drive anyway. Once I get my license and once I can use my sister's car (This September-next May) I'll be so mobile!

I feel so lonesome =\ I never see anyone. I work crappy shifts so on the days I work it makes I impossible to see anyone and on the days I don't work everyone is busy because they already have plans.


I'm probably going for a walk and then maybe cleaning.

I have orientation for college Thursday and Friday. Shoot me.

I'm not so happy today.
Fools in the Rain 2| Stairway to Heaven

Monday, June 4th, 2007

Time:8:57 pm.
Hey kiddies.

Not much doin' lately.

Worked yesterday and today and I work tomorrow, Thursday and Friday. I have Saturday off for my partaaaay.

I'm excited.

I feel like shit though. Every time Cassie or Deanna call, especially Cassie since I haven't talked for her for two weeks, I'm not here. =\ I haven't hung out with people nearly as much as I'd like. I'm going to start posting my schedule on LJ every Friday or Saturday for the upcoming week so everyone knows when I'm available. =DD

I want to hang out with you all. At least I'll see you this Saturday!

Stairway to Heaven

Saturday, June 2nd, 2007

Time:4:40 pm.
So, I was SUPPOSED to go out to eat today with Sara and Laura, but apparently they ran out of money today? Wow.

Anyway, now I'm home. All by myyyyseeeeeeelf. I'll probably walk or something.

Whatever. Going with mom to get some party stuff now.

Fools in the Rain 2| Stairway to Heaven

Friday, June 1st, 2007

Time:10:14 am.
40 years ago today, the world changed. It was June 1st, 1967 and The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" just came out. This album is widely regarded as not only the finest work put out by The Beatles, but also as the greatest album ever released. Of course, there have been people who have said that Sgt. Peppers was not their best work. All bands or albums that rank "the best this" or "the best that" are criticized a lot. For example, many believe The Beatles to be overated and Sgt. Peppers not to be their best album. They're idiots. Anyone who tells you that The Beatles "are way overrated" or "aren't THAt great" know nothing about music. Kill them. Whether bands acknowledge it or not, ALL bands and musicians have been influenced by The Beatles, because if The Beatles didn't exist rock and pop music today would not exist. Sure, Elvis and Chuck Berry were first, but even they did not hit the popularity or influence level of The Beatles. The Beatles weren't just a pop band, they were a rock band, a psychadelic band, and they were the greatest songwriters of theirs or any era. Sgt. Peppers was the original concept album, and it's production, cover art, and the idea of a concept album were and are just as influential as the music itself.

I'm not going to go on too much more, but since today is the 40th birthday I recommend all of you who haven't heard it, listen to it. Not in pieces, but all at once because that's how they wanted it to be heard. And next time you hear somebody say that they're overrated, or you don't get why they're so popular....kill them. We don't want people like that breeding.
Fools in the Rain 2| Stairway to Heaven

Saturday, May 19th, 2007

Time:10:57 pm.
Hey. So, I haven't updated since prom. Prom was awesome and afterprom was even more awesome.

Chances are I've told you about it, but if I haven't because I haven't talked to you and you wanna hear 'bout it, just tell me.

Anyway, this week is kinda nuts.

Tomorrow- Danielle's graduation. Ahhh!
Monday- Senior day, from 8:00-8:00 at Regis College.
Tuesday- Graduation practice in cap and gown because it's also when we take our official graduation pictures. And junior / senior day.
Wednesday- Work from 11-3, bac. mass and awards dinner at night.
Thursday- Graduation!
Friday- Work 12-5 and Tim's party from 6-11.
Saturday- Work 1-6

Anyway, that's what's going on this week!

I'm gonna go play tetris, then watch That 70s Show or maybe Airplane! and then hit the sack.

Goodnight kiddies!

Stairway to Heaven

Monday, May 14th, 2007

Time:10:24 pm.
So, it TOTALLY just occured to me that prom was Thursday. We haven't even talked about pictures or anything yet. Eh.


So, today was the first dau of training. Overall, it went well. For the first 3 hours I did shit on the computer. The next 20 minutes we toured the back room and the aisles, and the last 40 minutes I stocked the shelves...alone...so I was slow and kind of confused. Anyway, on Wednesday I am going to pretty much follow someone around all night so any questions I have should be answered. Anyway, it wasn't too bad and it kept me entertained. The people seem nice, and from what I've heard from Danielle and Melanie they are.

I should get my schedules on Fridays (and the work week starts Sunday, so it's not too much of a heads up). I think anyway. Most schedules are up by Wednesday, but grocery doesn't get up 'til probably Friday. Anyway, I can't work this Saturday, Sunday OR Monday, so it doesn't matter too much. I get my first paycheck Wednesday and after that I'm going to set up direct deposit so it all goes to my checking account.

Anyway, I'm gonna go because I wanna get to bed so I can get some rest....I had an AWFUL night of sleep last night.

Bye kids!

Stairway to Heaven

Sunday, May 13th, 2007

Time:11:09 am.
So, yesterday was a pretty sick day. So, Sara called around 1:00ish and asked if I wanted to go to CVS to get some Mom's day stuff. So, we went. Then we came back and hung out at the park. Then she had to go finish her mom's ay present shopping, so we walked to Walmart and on the way we so Mike! So, he gave us a ride to Walmart and Target (because Walmart didn't have it). Then I had to go home to eat and clean, so Mike dropped us off at my house. Well, I didn't end up cleaning because Sara's parents were going out and I felt bad that she was all alone, so I'm gonna do my cleaning today. Or tomorrow. Probably never, but I wanted to do it for a mom's day present since all I got her was a card because I have NO money. Too bad mother's day didn't fall two or three weeks later, because I'd have money. ANYWAY, I did eat and then Sara and I had to walk to CVS again to get a disposable camera and then we walked to Captain's because Sara wanted some yums. Then Laura came over around 7:30ish and we talked, played Mario Kart and laid around and talked some more.

Anyway, that was yesterday. TODAY, is Mother's Day, so I'm trying to convince my mom to let me help her. She never stops doing shit, and to be honest I think she'd rather just do it...I'm like that too. But, I've made several attempts to help and she said "I might need you later." WhatEVER. =] Anyway, soym aunt and grammy are coming over later to eat chinese food, which is always a mother's day tradition. And then we'll give mama cards and presnets.


First day of training is tomorrow, 4-8. I also have training Wednesday 4-8.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Emmanuel makes freshmen take a first year seminar (either in the fall of in the spring) and I have to pick it online. So, they have about 15-20 options and they tell me tp pick four...probably just incase one doesn't work out I have backups. I have no idea. Anyway, one of them is "Raising Hell: activism from 1955-1975". That makes me PEE MY PANTS...that is my FAVORITE stuff.

Anyway, time to go.

Bye kids!

Stairway to Heaven

LiveJournal for mark.

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