So, it's been a while since I made an update here. Partly due to the fact that I am lazy, partly because very few people read it, and partly because I didn't feel that I had anything constructive to say.
Mostly parts 1 and 3.
Well, now I do feel that I have something constructive to say....at least as it pertains to me.
Since I graduated high school (which is really the last time I made freuqent updates here) I have changed quite a bit. Or at least I have changed in one key area: I am willing to admit that I need to make some changes. Some changes to the way that I adress my life, some changes in the way that I adress my family and friends, and some changes in regards to the fact that I have been, in part, a different person than what I have been portraying myself as.
I don't know how to explain myself other than this: I have no idea who I am. I am sure about very little regarding my life, and that is (somewhat) normal for people my age and even people older than me. The reason I freak out is twofold:
1. I am, by nature, a very anxious person. When I don't know the answer to things immediately I freak out and immediately think something is wrong.
2. I feel that some of the things I freak out about are things that I should not freak ou about because they should be things that I am sure about.
Make sense? It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either but I had to try to put it into words. I feel as if I live to please. I don't live according to what is good for me personally. Rather, I live so that I don't disappoint others and I take the safe route on everything. I am overly cautious and it accounts for a lot of the problems I feel that are haunting my existance.
My social anxiety, for one. I am plagued with this dreaded thing, which many people think they have (and many may be right) but it's more than just being anxious. It has inhibited my ability to make new friends and has hindered my efforts to get closer the friends that I have been lucky enough to make. I don't go to parties, I don't join clubs, I stay inside more than I should and I try almost nothing that I am not very familiar with. I have lost a lot of valuable life due to this thing, including those high school years and soon to be the rest of my college life because of it and it kills me. In one of God's cruelest jokes, in order to get help wih this I must talk about it to strangers. Thanks a bunch, asshole. I rarely speak up out of fear of ridicule. I can't do things I am passionate about because of this. I have already dropped two classes in college because it involved either a group project or community service, two things that are nothing to people who aren't terrified of being put in these situations. I could go on and on and probably write a long book on it, but I won't.
I also hate college, with every fiber of my being. I transfered to SSC in hopes that I would hate it less but I don't. I have no desire to learn what they want to teach me. I have no real motivation to do things that, in high school, I did without stopping twice to think if it was right. I have such a lack of passion and energy to put up with this education bullshit. I want to learn WHAT I WANT TO LEARN, and not what they think I should learn. I don't want to read your texts that are more dull than dirt and that I will just memorize and forget a month later. I want to do this on my own. And if doing it on my own means maybe being too lazy to do it at all, SO BE IT! FUCK IT! I am actually not lazy, but I am just more or less apathetic, and I don't know why it came upon me. I was never apathetic about school until college and it hasn't gotten much better. Iz don't dread school as much as I did at Emmanuel, but my urge to just say fuck it and drop out has never been higher. I don't drop out in large part because I know it's not acceptable and I don't want to be stuck in a mind-numbing job for the rest of my life. Also, I have no guts. I think part of it is my love of the 60s. I see these documentaries and hear about it via music or books, and it sounds great. Sure, it was a lot of bad stuff, but people managed to live, many of them without these fucking limits, and they turned out fine and with a lot of memories that they didn't get by sitting at home with their face stuffed in a sociology book reading about what some guy in 1850 thought about why sociology was important. I'm sorry, but I've grown to believe that I am not going to make a fucking difference to the educational world, or any part of this world except my ownm.
I don't even know what to say besides I'm sick of it all. I am sick of not being able to really be myself, in word or in action. I am sick of not being able to do what I want. I am sick of knowing that despite these thoughts, I know that what I am doing now will lead me to a better life. But by whose standards of a better life am I judging this on?
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